Always a Work in Progress

The thing with being my many different me’s is that I feel that I’m always under a lot of pressure (read more here). Today, for some reason, it really got to me and it was the most vulnerable I’ve felt in a long time. Consequently, I cried. Profusely. Unshamedly.

Halfway into the year already and I am nowhere close to the goals I’ve set at the beginning of it. Things are moving, but not fast enough. At least not in the pace that I want. I work so hard. So, so, hard. I do. But somehow these days I just can’t get a damn break and I guess that’s where my frustration is coming from. I do have small victories every now and then, but I could really use one, solid, life-changing win. Is that too much to ask?

Most of the time I can manage to keep my head above water. Some days such as today, however, I’m reminded that I can’t be 100% all the time and it hit me hard. My constant need for perfection and achievements is a double-edged sword. It drives me to work hard as hell, but when things don’t go as planned it makes me feel so worthless.

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My Struggles as a Multipotentialite

It’s been three and a half years since I’ve quit my corporate job to explore the (frightening) world of freelance and find my one true calling. It was and still is one of the most terrifying decisions I’ve ever made; one that I had to sleep on, cry over, and pray for for about a year. It was a difficult time for me and I thought finally leaving would rid me of all my stress and anxiety (from keeping a job I didn’t love), but boy, was I wrong.

The self-discovery journey was off to a great start. I was able to really focus on Sweet Mamita and since I had full control of my schedule, I was able to work on more projects on the side than I did when I was working full-time. However, a year into the freelance world, I hit a bump in the road when I realized that I still had absolutely zero clue about what I was really supposed to be doing with my life. I was completely disheartened. I was doubting myself a lot and I felt incompetent, but that was only until I learned about Multipotentiality (read full story here). Once I had come to terms with my being a multipotentialite, everything fell right into place and that’s when things started to look up.

“It must be awesome knowing how to do everything,” someone told me once. First of all, obviously I don’t know how to do everything because that’s impossible. I just have a lot of interests and I try my best to pursue each one, one way or another. I guess to some people that’s already considered doing “everything”. Secondly, truth be told, being able to do “everything” is not always as cool as it sounds. Even now with a more solid self-identity (and because this is real life) it hasn’t been smooth sailing for me. As with everything else in this world, being a multipotentialite does have its downsides.

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What Do I Do?

Every time someone would ask me, “What do you do?” I would find myself looking up, letting out a deep sigh, and pausing for a few seconds to gather my thoughts before proceeding to answer the question.

I could never answer that question succinctly. I am many things. I’m a baker, a cake artist, a singer/choreographer,  a hair and makeup artist, a wellness enthusiast, and many more. So when I or the person I’m speaking with don’t have the luxury of time, I would jokingly say, “I’m a professional part timer.”

In the past five years or so, I’ve dabbled in many different things even while I had a full-time corporate job. I pursued (and still do) every single interest: I enrolled in makeup school, continued to help out with my high school choir, started a business, and many more.  I was doing great in corporate, but as time passed, I became more and more restless. Everyday I woke up knowing that it wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But what did I want to do? I had no idea. I was just sure I could do and be more if I weren’t at the office from 9AM-6PM everyday. I felt that all those hours spent sitting down and looking at my computer screen could be spent on so many more different things – things I were more passionate about or new things I wanted to try. I felt trapped. At that point, I found myself at a crossroads – I wanted out because being there meant missing out on opportunities that would lead me to my “calling”. Being there wasn’t being me, but the problem was, I didn’t even know what being me really meant. I just knew that I’d have to leave for me to find out.

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