The thing with being my many different me’s is that I feel that I’m always under a lot of pressure (read more here). Today, for some reason, it really got to me and it was the most vulnerable I’ve felt in a long time. Consequently, I cried. Profusely. Unshamedly.
Halfway into the year already and I am nowhere close to the goals I’ve set at the beginning of it. Things are moving, but not fast enough. At least not in the pace that I want. I work so hard. So, so, hard. I do. But somehow these days I just can’t get a damn break and I guess that’s where my frustration is coming from. I do have small victories every now and then, but I could really use one, solid, life-changing win. Is that too much to ask?
Most of the time I can manage to keep my head above water. Some days such as today, however, I’m reminded that I can’t be 100% all the time and it hit me hard. My constant need for perfection and achievements is a double-edged sword. It drives me to work hard as hell, but when things don’t go as planned it makes me feel so worthless.
Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. It’s always been one of my personal struggles and the hardest to overcome. I must work more on allowing myself to make mistakes and to not be too critical of myself. Now that doesn’t mean I’ll start slacking off–it means I have to learn to see that if I can honestly say that I did everything that I could, the best way I knew how in that given moment, then that’s all that matters. These are days that I have to remind myself that I can only control what I put out to the world. Everything else is up to the Universe. When things go south, I shouldn’t immediately blame it on myself or my ostensible inadequacy. Maybe it’s because it’s not just the right time yet. Maybe there’s a life lesson that I’ve yet to learn. Whatever it is, I just have remember to remain steadfast, make the necessary improvements/changes, keep the faith, and try again.
I won’t always be at the top of my game, I won’t always win. I still have so much to learn and to improve on and that’s okay. I’m not perfect and I will never be, but what I will always be is a work in progress. Constantly learning, constantly growing, and never stagnant. ✨